The Small Things are Often the Big Things.
How a mother who stopped herself rushing understood why her son wouldn’t put on his school clothes.
Monday, 7:00 am.
My brain wakes up with a jolt. Oh, Lord, I forgot to put the washing on yesterday! There’re no clean school clothes and no way to get them clean by the time the bus comes. John hates wearing dirty clothes. He can totally melt down over the smallest thing and then there's a huge drama trying to get out of the house and to the bus on time. I don’t want to deal with him in one of his moods.
I run up to the closet to see what might magically be in there to rescue the morning. A couple of last year’s school shirts lie folded - and clean - on the shelf. I’m saved. I figure John’ll still be able to fit into them.
‘Here - put this on, ’ I urge.
I’ve got the whole list of the morning’s chores running through my head and I don’t fully appreciate that he doesn’t even look up when I toss the shirt on his bed. He’s just staring at the shirt like it’s got germs.
‘I’m not wearing that,’ he states.
‘Yes you are! Come on, we’ll miss the bus. Chop, chop!’
‘NO,’ he shouts, ‘It’s too SMALL.’
‘John, put the shirt on. There’re no other clean clothes! It fits you fine! I already told you, we’ve got to go!’ I feel myself getting breathless with urgency. I do not want to deal with another clothing issue. I do not want to be late (I hate being late). I do not want to arrive at the bus with another fight between me and John fuming above our heads like smoke, obvious for every other mum to see. I’m sick of it.
I want to just take the shirt, force it over his brown-haired head, pull it down over his body and be done with the whole getting-dressed drama.
I think -
‘I’ll take care of this NOW’
I shout-
‘Oh, for goodness sake! Just PUT IT ON! Stop being naughty and LET’S GO’.
John sets his jaw and shakes his head and starts to cry.
I am so fed up with his pickiness. He’s just a kid. Why should he care if the shirt is a little small? When you’re 9 years old, it’s not like school is a beauty pageant. I pick up the shirt and - put - it - on - him.
You can see the end of this scene in your head. The shouting, the tears, the embarrassment at the bus-stop. It is not pretty.
So I rewind…
and think… ‘To go faster, slow down’. So difficult! I’m all primed to shout, and slowing down means dropping the list and the agenda. To listen I’ve got to be curious and ask myself, What is going on here?
Now that I’ve stopped for a second, I do wonder why he doesn’t want to wear it. I look at him again. He looks really upset. His reaction seems too big.
I sit on his bed, take a deep breath, turn to him and say, ‘John, there is something about that shirt you really don’t like.’
‘YES. I said, it’s too small!’
‘It’s too small?’
‘It’s too tight! It’ll make me look fat!’
‘Oh,’ I say, with my stomach sinking. I had always thought it would be my daughter who worried about weight, not my son. I love his sturdy body and his enthusiasm for food. Come to think of it, he hasn’t been quite as enthusiastic recently as he used to be, and not just about food. He has been more testy and sometimes sullen.
‘Mum, they call me fat in the playground,’ he tells me with his voice tight.
‘John. I am so sorry to hear that. I had no idea. Can you tell me more?’
‘Not now. I don’t want to think about it now. I will tonight. Now I just want to get to the bus. I hate being late.’
Stunned, and relieved, and loving this boy, I suggest that he wears the slightly dirty shirt from yesterday, which he seems quite happy to do.
Take Away:
When you feel yourself going faster and faster, Stop. To go faster with kids, it’s better to slow down. They’ll work with you if you’re not pushing them around.
If their reaction seems too big, it’s a sign that something else is going on. It’s not that they’re defying you. Get curious and listen.
• When you understand how they see it, the solution usually presents itself.